Wide Awake and Scared to Death

It all started one night, my mind racing and thoughts flowing. I couldn't stop thinking! Even though my body was physically exhausted i just couldn't fall asleep. I tried and tried, then 6 hours later after feeling like a zombie i gave up. I guess sleep just wasn't for me. After one week of this, i thought: "too much sugar" :P. After two weeks, maybe it was stress. But the third week is when my life changed. I had my first severe panic attack that debilitated and left me extremely anxiety-ridden for the next several days. I now knew something was very very wrong. But to the extent I did not know, and if I did know, I would have buckled in, and held a little tighter in preparation for the bumpy road that lay ahead the next two months.

Time went on, and the attacks got worse and more frequent. They came at random, and I had absolutely no control over them. Now these attacks are something else. When they happen I feel like the world is ending and I can't stop it. My heart races and I can barely breath. It feels like at any moment I could pass out. Sometimes they'll last for 5 minutes, sometimes they'll last for 5 hours, but regardless, it absolutely drains me and terrifies me. Couple that with little to no sleep each night, I was a piping hot mess. But the attacks were the easy part, what really did a number on me was the way I felt afterward. Most of the time for several days in a row life was a blur. I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't think straight or even complete a single thought. Life felt like a dream that made no sense and I couldn't wake up. I struggled to grasp reality and I couldn't connect with anything all. I felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to cry, but there were no tears left. I wanted to sleep, but there was no rest. I wanted to give up, but that was not an option.

These last two months have been hell. Every waking moment has been a struggle. But it has been bearable, because I haven't been alone. If it weren't for my friends and family, I'd still be laying in that bed, trying to fall asleep. Some friends were there to remind me that "everything is going to be alright". Some were there to listen to me. And some were there to offer a shoulder to cry on. But all of them were there to remind me that no matter what happens in life, no matter the dark valley we go through, and even when all hope is lost, God has a plan because HE LOVES US! He will never forsake us.

Truthfully, I still do struggle with these things, and they are getting worse. I don't know what the future holds or how these attacks will progress, and I don't know the next step I'm supposed to take, I just know I have to take one. Just because I'm scared and things are hard doesn't mean I give up. It means I have to cling to God right now more than ever, because He is the ONLY One who can get me through this.

I write this for anyone who is struggling. Whether it's insomnia, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, addiction, fear, pain, a dirty past, a scary future, loss of a loved one, or a debilitating injury or disease. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You have many people, who are going through this stuff with you. You have people who care for you and are praying for you even if you don't realize it. And most importantly, you have God. 

He's never going to abandon you. 
He's never going to let you go. 
He's never going to deny you a shoulder to cry on.
And He is never going to be indifferent about your tears.
He loves you.
He will cry with you.
He will get you through this.
Dont give up.
Press on and look to God.

God bless you all!
Much love,
Tom